So I’m having a really hard time figuring out what I want to do next in terms of a job. I’m pretty desperate right now, but I’m still picky, which is an American thing right? I have access to a TON of craigslist ads for serving job after serving job, but I DON’T WANT TO WAIT TABLES ANYMORE. Holy shit, if all the people in the United States that didn’t have a job, applied for the serving jobs on craigslist, then they would all have a job. But really, who wants a 41-year-old angry ex-accountant serving you fried shrimp and mashed potatoes?
I’m a comic with a very limited skill set (lets be honest). I can type about 60 WPM - which is my greatest asset. I can teach spinning classes, but that’s taking longer than I anticipated. I can write, but I’m just NOW writing really great, honest, material and I don’t have many samples that the writing job ads always ask for. So that blows.
I need something pretty immediate. I would love for it to be a writing job. Copy writing would be nice. Writing a web series for pay would be nice (I’m beginning to work on a web series without pay). Even getting booked at some great comedy clubs (oh wait, that’s not going to happen anytime soon (yes it will, I’m going to kill at my comic strip live audition next Tuesday) so I need to focus on realistic expectations for myself) would be accepted. Did I just blow some minds with my parenthesis-inside-another-parenthesis?? I just blew my own mind with that. I think that it made sense, too. Suck ith hard English language, you own me not!
Every time I write one of these “Read-me-because-I-need-attention” blog articles, I always do end up feeling fulfilled to some extent. I recognize that I am redundant a lot, kind of, when I type. I think it’s because I feel like these euphemisms make me sound intelligent. Now I think I am realizing, somewhat, how slightly indirect I am when I write, maybe.
I wonder how many million others are writing their own “READ-ME-READ-ME-I’M-SPECIAL” blog right now, hoping that it’s going to help their career or knowing that it’s gold because they’re getting a fat paycheck in a few days (payday is Friday). I feel a degree of “selling out.” I fear that beginning this foray into the internet nether regions is opening up a world of LOLs, JKs, and OMGs that may be too much for my 90s brain to accept. I foresee myself on a virtual cliff, slamming a keyboard into my head repeatedly, screaming “Make it stop! Make the ignorant letters on the screen stop assailing my intelligence! Make it stop!” Then I leap over, only to be caught by an inter-net of comics that give me smug looks all the time.
So thanks for reading. Lower your ego and love everyone (although that is a fucking hard thing to do).
It’s time to offer new sports to human beings interested in something other than overpaid, steroid-infused behemoths crushing each others skulls, getting arrested for beating their wives and drinking in the clubhouse when their team is sub-par. Check out these new sports, guaranteed to do just as good as the XFL:
1) Women’s thumbwrestling: The WTWL (women’s thumbwrestling league) will feature master texters from all over the world. Recruiting will start in middle school when some of the best thumbwrestlers have been found. These girls/women train in the twittersphere, always maximizing the 140 character limit. Their well-placed LOLs and OMGs stick out amongst a world full of amateurs. Twattering only scratches the surface. When recruited, the ladies must train their thumbs to master the thumblocks and thumbholds. They must train hard. Thumbcurls are required multiple times a day, when not texting. To break up the monotony, shakeweight sets may be used for training as well. The WTWL is sponsored by Apple. So the girls/women/ladies get the latest iphone beta to develop those thumb muscles. To recuuperate from a long day of training those opposable digits, thumbsucking is required as well. The world champions are often bucktoothed, but still attractive. To get male viewership, they’ll also have cheerleaders hired from the best Dallas stripclubs.
-Only thumbs may be used, the other four fingers must remain locked in the “fist” position
-There are 12 2-minute rounds; judges declare winner if all 12 rounds occur
-You also may win by pin, or if your opponent taps out
2) Build-your-own-intstrument-and-play-it: This sport is for the musically-inclined, but athletically deficient competitive person. If you’re tired of the same old Fender or same old drum set with a high-hat, create your own instrument and try and play it for the judges. Past winning instruments have included the Ukelele, the Sitar, and the spoon-and-washboard. BYOIAPI has been an underground sport for centuries all over the world, and has been discovered thanks to Al Gore’s invention of the internet. People started taking video of these super secret underground competions and posting the results on youtube. BYOIAPI is responsible for some of the best instruments over the ages such as the bag-pipes, the accordion, and the saw (the south had a string of winners in the 1910’s). So kazoo and mouth-harp fans are going to tune in by the billions. Victoria’s secret is the main sponsor. All the females on the show must wear their lingerie (male viewership).
-build or use something as an instrument in a song
-you must write the song out with notes and clefts
-the judges have the initial say on who moves on and who gets cut much like American Idol
-the finals are decided by call-in votes
-yes, this is a sport
These two brand-new incredible sports are going to be unleashed on the world in the summer of 2013. A few sponsors still need to be worked out (come on NBC, we know you have the money). If the world is still in existence, nerds and jocks alike will be able to enjoy these untainted competitions complete with emotional backstories and family fun!
I am always trying to better myself. What does that mean? That doesn’t mean that I have low self-esteem and I am about to kill myself. On the contrary, my esteem is in a normal place with my confidence level slowly rising. I try very hard to separate my confidence level from my egotism. I assure you, my egotism is in a normal place too. By normal, I mean that I am not a jerk and I live in harmony with the people and things around me. By things, I mean my couch, floors, plants… I don’t damage or destroy them. Unless my hardwood floor has a chip on his shoulder and gets a splinter in my foot. Then he’s going to pay!
I am in a phase of re-education. I am not in school anymore, but I educate myself about the world by staying informed through various magazines (Rolling Stone, New York, Backstage). I exercise often, spinning and running. I write as I am doing so now, and try to use parts of my brain that have been dormant or not used much in the past 3 years since I graduated from college. I am an adult now. I now accept that. And it sucks.
SNL Promo: Jonah Hill/The Shins
Tonight I have a free show at the Grisly Pear on Macdougal St. in Greenwich Village. It starts around 9:00pm. You know what? IT’S FREE!! We bark on the sidewalk to try and get people in and IT’S FREE!! The difference between us and the comedy show promoters in Times Square is that our show is FREE!!
I understand that once there are comics on the show where every joke gets laughs, then most clubs, bookers, and producers will try to make money off of the comics. How much does money affect professionalism? There’s this strange thing where in these times laughing is “uncool” and the cell phone has started to replace hecklers…
Having a free barking show is always a challenge. Most people assume there is a gimmick or a drink minimum. It’s true that sometimes we pass around a donation bucket. Of course we’d love to charge money and have crowds of people at our shows, but that’s not reality. The Reality is that there are a million other comics with a million other shows in NYC. We are one FREE show a block from the legendary Comedy Cellar (where most people are going for comedy on Macdougal Street anyway). That being said, we are FUNNY!! Every week we try new jokes, voices, and sets. We perform for any amount of people and we aren’t getting paid. We do it because we have a passion for comedy and we want to make people laugh and be merry.
So in these tough economic times why not check out a FREE stand-up comedy show? We’ve got Bored to Death’s Angry Bob, Krusty the Klown’s twin Bob Bell, Rashad Bashir, Calvin Roy, and some excellent lady comics…
Check it out tonight at 9:00pm at the Grisly Pear on Macdougal Street.